not the glamorous life

Well, well, Fergie, so we meet again...Ok, maybe it is just the first time...or not at all. I do, however, recall your spell-it-out like a rock star song. I thought of it today. Not because I felt I was leading the glamorous life. I was thinking you could replace every instance of "glamorous" with "torturous" and it would fit my life. That's right, I said it. My life feels downright torturous right now. Is it really though? No. Can I handle what's coming my way? Yes. But to hell if I can't take my moment to ooze in the filth of the sinking feeling of hopelessness.

Today, I woke up a late pumping. So I attached the suckers and started pumping milk for the little one. Then I hear the ear clawing "beepbeepbeep" of the alarm clock. Really? You know what's worse than waking up five minutes before the alarm clock? Knowing you want every second of those intermediate minutes. All that happens is a heart dropping transition from the "reerreerreer" of the breast pump to the "beepbeepbeep" of the alarm clock. So I hop into the shower to get ready as quickly as I can. I'm part hippie so I try not to waste water with long showers. I walk out of the bathroom to a crying baby. He's hungry. With nipples still angry at the pump, I let baby latch on. AWESOME. In the middle of the feeding, I hear what sounds like a million tiny water balloons exploding in my son's diaper. Of course it is one of the movements that defies gravity and goes UP his diaper.

So much auditory input for the start of my day. The sad thing is, I still walked out the door smiling. It may not be the most glamorous life. It is my life though and I love every tiring, beat down, and dragged out part of it.

O sweet sleep

For those of you who never had sleep issues - I envy you. I'm up at night with nothing to do and totally tired...but cannot fall asleep. I hear my husband snoring. Is it sad there is nothing more I'd like to do than shake him awake? I'll refrain.

On another note, the little one managed to gnaw on some green onion today. He hasn't been interested in eating food as much as playing with it. Babies totally boobs trap you when they make a horrible mess. Nothing so messy has ever looked so stinking cute. Just goes to show the advanced nature of  their survival skills of cuteness. In terms of the lolcat - I've been pwned

6 Months

I had a goal to breastfeed my son for at least six months. I know the longer I do it, the better it is for his health. However, six months seemed to be the no kidding, do it until now date. That day has come and gone. Pumping hasn't been the nicest thing, but I can't be home all day to make it straight from the boob 24/7. But the pumping thing has helped me make it this long. I couldn't imagine just giving up because I've met the bare minimum. However, considering the challenges of the workplace and what an unsupportive environment could potentially be like, I understand why some mothers find it so hard.

I have a very supportive workplace and family. You would figure that breastfeeding is the natural thing to do, so what's the big deal? It is a big deal though. Boobs have been removed from their function of providing food to nothing but sex. So the association of boob and baby throws some people off, why would you want anything to do with sex around a baby? And from the mixed responses to celebrities like Beyonce nursing in public, that reaction is pretty solid in society. So if this is the environment that surrounds a mom, I can see how nursing your little one becomes an "issue" rather than a normal part of life. I empathize for your situation if that's what it is.

I haven't meet that resistance. I've adjusted to less sleep. I have plenty of support. So I'm going to keep on with this breastfeeding deal. It's good time with the little one. When I tell people I prefer to nurse in private, it gives me a measure of alone time. When the daddy magic can't put baby to sleep, a little comfort nursing does wonders. It may not be the most convenient thing for my life, but I didn't agree to have this baby because I thought it would be the convenient thing to do.

why I set priorities

I worked a little more than usual the past couple weeks. I was in training. I had some late days, early days, and time crunched days when you considered I was going to do my training. The past weekend I had drill. What does all that mean? Lots of day care and nanny time for the little one. So when I dropped him off at day care today, my heart melted.

And then it hit...the guilt. Not the parent guilt, the gym guilt. I was saying sorry to the people I'm training with. I'm an alternate, but still supposed to be on par with everyone as much as possible. But  I was feeling guilty for not feeling guilty. What would all this guilt surround? Me not going to practice. I was extremely tired and sleep deprived. More than that, I missed my son. I wanted to spend some time with him sans non-parental child care provider. After eating up as much time with him as I could steal, my husband put him down for a nap...on his chest...they're both asleep. As I look at them both, I'm in awe of how blessed I am. Such a gorgeous husband and son. Every minute I spend with them is precious. They are at the top of my priorities. While balance is so elusive, setting things right with my priorities is never a waste. Even when all I can do is stare at my sleeping family, I'm reminded of how my priorities. Gym what?

immediate mommy reflections

I have a strange feeling that I'm a mommy ninja. I don't mean in the sense that I'm a bad ass person who is also a mommy (that's a given :P). Based on the reactions I've been getting about my mothering desires, I feel like people are surprised by my decisions. What the?!

Let's take a close look at me - I blog about working out, body image, my diet, and my opinion a lot. A lot, a lot. I'm pretty "me" focused. So it isn't really a surprise that people are somewhat stunned when I make sacrifices that seem to be not in-line with that me-focused history. I sacrificed a year of skinny, a season of Crossfit competitions, and other training events. And I did it willingly and without question. I guess my mommydom was lurking next to me the entire time, ninja style until it had to come out of the shadows.

Why bother? I'm not sure everyone knows exactly how pro-choice I am. I'm very pro-choice. Not only because I believe that freedom of choice is something we should all enjoy, but because I want my son to know that he is here out of a choice I made and not because of some obligation or force. I wanted to meet the hatchling that was able to battle my birth control for a winning implantation. Each and every "sacrifice" I make is because I made a choice to bring the little guy into this world. It is my responsibility to support the choices I make without placing any blame on my son for the my decisions.

When I look back on my divorce, I see the disappointment of poor choices made. I'm glad that I had options to put myself on another path to a happy life. I look at the birth of my son and see the wonderful rewards of taking a chance and making a bold choice. I hear the surprise of reactions to me being a mother.Some people are surprised, but happily so. Thanks for sharing in my joy and my choices.